What Got You Here?

“What did you do that got you here, that you can now take responsibility for?”

 This question is one that has faced many individuals over time.  It was the question asked of every new client I saw at the domestic abuser program I led for several years.  I worked with batterers/abusers for seven years, including time as the coordinator of a program in northern Illinois that charged this task.

 This was the hardest and likely most provoking assignment given to the men (there were female abusers, but the overwhelming majority were men so that is the pronoun I will use here).  The men were not allowed to proceed until the group gave a consensus that the writer produced a product that showed ownership for one’s actions.  Abusers have more excuses than fingers and toes.  In a workshop I attended at the time, the top two most popular from one such program were identified as “I lost control” and “she provoked me.”  These tend to typify the pervasive pattern of pushing one’s responsibility elsewhere.  

 Group members utilized a list of distorted thinking (such as denial, blaming, minimizing) to critique and give feedback to the new member on their responsibility statement.  In the worst cases, either I or my female co-facilitator would bring out the individual’s police report and start to read it to the group.  On one occasion, this brought out an inferred threat and then a man leaving agitated on another.  Usually it meant a protracted discussion and debate on the details of the report or whether the officer or “the system” was out to get that individual.  Either way, it normally wasn’t necessary to pull it out as the details got drawn out sooner or later (unless the writer dropped out which was all too often).

One of my favorite quotes is the following by Jack Majors from his book Communicating the Joy, Pain, and Everything (1976):

 “All too often we try to assign others the responsibility for the way we lead our lives.  This is the first step toward irresponsibility and, in this way, we try to excuse ourselves for not creating something better in our lives.  When we not only assign cause to others but also blame or judge them for “doing it” to us, we take still another step away from responsibility, for blaming others requires time and energy that could be spent on more productive actions.”

 Let me illustrate with two examples from my professional experience.  (Allow a minute for the cobwebs to clear).

 I am sitting across from an African-American man in his late twenties/early thirties.  Very shortly in the interview this man begins to tell me that “it was the white man who taught the black man to be violent through slavery and oppression.”  He proceeded to give me a lengthy history lesson.  This was an intelligent and shrewd individual.  While my young liberal mind wanted to sympathize with his plight of disenfranchisement, I wasn’t buying it.  It may have pulled at the heartstrings, but the end result of his verbosity was still the same: complete and utter bullsh*t. 

 Why?  It displayed several examples of distorted thinking and/or logical fallacies, most notably “the blame game,” justifying, and poor me’s.  The fundamental truth is that such history and oppression had nothing to do with HIS actions of beating his girlfriend.  His recitation of slavery (which was undoubtedly evil and negatively impacted African-Americans) had nothing to do with his personal experience and responsibility for his violence.  This was an orchestrated avoidance against the younger less cynical Caucasian social worker who was interviewing him.

 In the second program I worked as coordinator I often performed public speaking and education about domestic violence.  I attended such an event with a group of boys at a bible study class at the church of our education coordinator through the women’s shelter.  We did the education by playing a game where we would throw out a question or statement about domestic violence and the boys would go to one side or other of the room depending if they agreed or not.  One such question sparked controversy: “Can your girlfriend/wife make you mad?”  The majority of the boys walked to the side of the room that agreed they she could.  Myself and the other speakers present (including the woman whose church it was) began to discuss responsibility and how you always have choices.  We also discussed the fact that she has fundamental rights to her own choices, such as wearing what she wants or to go where she wants.

 This didn’t sit well with one of the male youth ministers.  Such statements were incredulous to him.  He spoke out emphatically how the bible says he has authority in the home and how she CANNOT wear some skimpy dress out while married to him.  In other words, she is responsible for his reactions and MUST NOT disobey him (or his almighty male God).  If she committed offense, she would be doing it to him versus him owning the beliefs that lead to his behavior.  This is clear example of irresponsibility fettered with judgment and expectation for obedience and perfection.  This is a breeding ground for violence.

 I think Jack Majors sums it up well in the following from the same book mentioned above:

 “Responsibility starts with the simple acknowledgement that you are the final cause in a given matter.  It starts with a willingness to deal with the situation.  It starts with the point of view that you are the source of what you are, what you do, and what you have.  Responsibility is not fault, praise, blame, shame, or guilt.  All of these responses include judgments and evaluations that place the emphasis on good and bad, right and wrong, or better and worse.  These responses involve moral judgments.  As such, they exceed the simple realization that you are responsible for your own experience, and this excess can only interfere with any attempt to take control of your own life.”

 Promote peace and non-violence by first taking full responsibility for your life.  Novel concept, eh?

 Christopher David

November  2009