The Ties That Bind

It’s extraordinary how much influence our family-of-origin can have on us far into our adulthood.  Of course, this influence can be nurturing or toxic.  There’s been much said about the effects of bad mothering on the child.  This led to a generation (or more) of mothers obsessed with doing the “right thing” and feeling guilty that they wanted to pursue a career.  Mothers have the first and most unique bond with a child, but they don’t hold all the cards when it comes to developing the personality of their offspring.  While “it takes a village” has been a little overdone, it holds much truth.  In studies of at-risk youth, resilience is often the product of the presence of some nurturing and inspiring adult, not necessarily the mother.  While this doesn’t diminish Mom, it does suggest two things: that finding support and validation is as important as the person who gives it, and, what one defines as family is very fluid.

 Too often the people charged and obligated with our protection as children don’t deliver.  Or, they betray a fundamental trust and abuse us.  I worked in child protective services, shortly as a direct investigator (I didn’t want a heart attack so young,) then longer as an in-home safety services manager.  It’s an inescapable truism that the parent is as much the client as the child.  Who’s going to be caring for that child once the case is closed?  A misguided in-home therapist at the time argued that “you guys don’t put enough attention (for services) on the child!”  This statement was both astonishingly asinine and stupid (I didn’t tell her that despite how tempted I might have been).  All services focused on the child, be it parenting education, in-home therapy, alcohol and drug counseling for the parent, etc.  If you help the parent, you help the child.  They are intertwined; different sides to the same coin.  Her statement ignored the power of the family system on family health and the safety of the child.  It also ignored that what the parent does in the present will continue to impact future generations.   Even Super Nanny will tell you that.

 I started therapy with the daughter of a patient who has a history of being abusive and neglectful with her and every woman in his life.  She stated that she remembers him being violent with her mother, as well as engaging in numerous affairs.  He acted to control and dominant those around him.  Eventually, he left her and her mother.  After he left, she was also abused by her grandfather.  Later, she went to live with her father as a teen and left immediately upon turning eighteen.  For her, being around him alternated between being criticized or ignored; repeatedly de-valuing and debasing her.

The daughter told me that upon hearing of her father’s cancer, she is now interested in being a good “daddy’s girl,” which means being available 24/7, learning all his preferences and “knowing his mind.”  Despite her efforts to emotionally separate herself and her choice to previously limit contact, the ties that bind came back to hook her and bring her back to the little girl looking for his attention and approval.  This led to an extreme idea to have a child before he dies because all the other siblings have restricted any contact with his grandchildren.  “He has a right to see his grandchildren, and I can give him that.”

 This woman has now acknowledged that this is an irrational (and horribly bad) idea.  It contradicts the reality of her situation where she is in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend who has stated no interest in having children (one might see a pattern in her choice of a partner).  Yet, her emotional mind (something coined by Marsha Linehan in her Dialectical Behavior Therapy) tells her that this is sound and correct.  The emotional mind is that which has been cultivated in our environment over the course of our lives.  It stretches back to the temperament we were born with and the quality of nurturing we received as children.  I would argue it often dominates our decisions.  It is the old shoe we are so comfortable wearing, even if it makes our feet bleed.

 The daughter is trying to fill her void with pleasing others, something she was ‘trained’ to do as a child – her emotional mind often dominates her reality, dictating that she stay with her boyfriend despite knowing how unhealthy the relationship or telling her that she must find a way to be a good “daddy’s girl” despite the fact that he was never a father.  These aren’t rational decisions, but the ones that feel natural to us based on the color of our lenses with which we view relationships, needs, love and ourselves.

 Linehan also characterizes the mind as also having a rational side in opposition to the emotional side, and that the synthesis of both in what she terms “Wise Mind” is one of the goals of therapy.  Despite whatever damage someone may have inflicted on us, we have an innately rational mind and capacity to integrate those parts towards real wisdom.  We are not slaves to our emotions or passions.  We are not bound to the voices or melodies of the past.  With awareness, patience and humor we can mindfully choose the wise path and find more solid ground.

Christopher David

October 26, 2009