Breaking Bad: Simple, But Not Easy

Part 2 of a 3-part Series

Most of us have tried to overcome bad habits in the past, so we all know how hard it is to quit smoking, avoid junk food, or be better organized.    But have you ever considered that breaking a bad habit, though not easy, is simple.  The solution is to just be with it… learn to surf that urge.

In Monday’s blog post, I talked about research done by psychologist Dr. Alan Marlatt.  Though his work focuses on what we commonly think of as addictions, such as drinking and smoking, it it very useful to look at any bad habit as an addiction.  What if all compulsive tendencies are really unaddressed addictions, of a sort?  After all, we call them BAD habits; they are things we do that we know we shouldn’t, but for one reason or another, we cannot stop ourselves from continuing the actions.  Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines addiction as “a persistent, compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”  If you substitute the word “habit” for the word “substance,” you can begin to understand the power of these bad habits.

Take self-critical thinking as an example.  The inner critic can be persistent and compulsive, and we know it doesn’t serve us.  You can plug any of bad habit into this equation.  What is yours?  Is it procrastination, fear, being a martyr, holding a grudge, busyness, or being continually triggered by someone who annoys us?  The list of bad habits that plague us all is endless.  Any pattern or behavior that perpetuates unconsciously is ultimately hurtful.  As we live inside of these habits, they use us, and we get stuck and frustrated with real happiness and satisfaction just out of our reach.  Bad habits keep us from fully being expressed and alive!

The first step to any problem is naming it.  We must identify our bad habits and look for the urge that precedes that actual action.  An urge is often triggered by an emotion (fear, lack, desperation, physical tension, emptiness, hysteria.)  It is the feeling that we need to begin to engage in the bad habit.  It is like an itch demanding to be scratched.  And just like an itch, the more you ignore scratching it, the bigger it becomes.  Urges escalate when ignored.  Yet, this is the tool most people try to use to fight off the urge: ignore it.  Unfortunately, this is the exact opposite of what actually works.  If we can be with the urge, feel it, but not act on it, it will dissipate.  Marlatt described this as “urge surfing.”

Urges are just like our feelings; they come and go (like the weather.)  They are triggered by a variety of things.  There is always a beginning, a middle, and, most importantly, an end.  If we want to surf the urge, we must first learn to recognize it and know how it “attacks” us.  This is challenging because it is so uncomfortable.  Often times, bad habits are created as a way to avoid the feelings that preceded them.  When we learn to be with those feelings, we can free ourselves from the bad habits that avoiding the feelings have kept in place.  Marlatt coined the acronym SOBER to help his patients surf their urges:

• S means stop. Don’t move.  Notice your thoughts and stay there with them.  Don’t let the urge move passed the feelings.
• O is for observe. Notice what thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations are present in your body.  Observe as if you are watching from the outside.  Don’t get sucked into the drama of the feelings, just observe them.
• B refers to breath. Focus on inhaling and exhaling.  Take deep, long breaths and continue to notice as the urge moves along.
• E means expand. Marlatt suggests that we expand our awareness to consider the consequences if we act on the urge. If you succumb to it, how will you feel?  What damage might it cause to your big picture commitments in life?
• R means respond mindfully.  You’ve made it passed the automatic response of succumbing to the urge.  So, now, your response is a choice.  What response will support your commitments in life?  What response is consistent with who you say you are?  You can now choose to let go of the urge and do something else, or continue to let the urge use and define you.

CALL TO ACTION:  Practice surfing your urges this week.  You’ve identified them, now sit back and be with them.  When a bad habit starts, stop yourself and go through the SOBER steps.  Shed light on that urge by going back a step to the feeling that triggered it.  Notice how you feel and just be with the feelings.  See what happens to the urge and you sit with it.  Come back Friday for the final part of this series!