D15 – Hey, I Screwed Up!

I’ve never thought of myself as a “people pleaser.” I’ve actually taken pride in the fact that I am who I am and if you don’t like it, well… walk away. HOWEVER, today I discovered that’s another lie. Once again, this is how I am on the OUTSIDE, but on the INSIDE, it’s a different story.

This summer I was working with a counselor and knowing it was going to be a hectic summer for both of us, we set up our appointments a couple months in advance with the understanding we would be flexible. Evidently, we had different ideas on how this looked which played out about 8 weeks later. At that time, she suggested that we pause our work until September because me changing our appointments was causing stress on her calendar. I agreed and we decided to regroup in September.

As I left, however, the more I thought about this interaction, the more angry and offended I got. “Why was I the one in trouble here? We agreed we’d be flexible! She changed just as many appointments as I did, why am I getting blamed for being irresponsible?” This conversation just kept building in my head week after week. I would see her in social settings and be internally annoyed. I took the whole incident very personally and felt as if she had mistakenly “tarnished” my reputation and integrity and I needed to set her straight. OH BOY.

Well, fast forward to today. I started working with her again and that resentment showed it’s ugly face. I decided I should talk to her about it to get the whole issue complete… so she knew SHE was wrong and I wasn’t being irresponsible. She was just as to blame as I was for the chaotic changes. She needed to KNOW that I was a GOOD AND RESPONSIBLE person.

But then I paused to evaluate this situation from a bit of a distance. I am on this 100 day journey to be more intentional, and this issue was getting me feeling swept away by anger and frustration. Why was I so mad? Why was it so critical that she KNOW she was WRONG.

The realization was that I vigorously work to control the narrative of “who I am” with everyone around me–especially if it’s negative. I had never seen this before. Though, God forbid if someone thinks something negatively about me… I can never let it go. It’s always in my head and I think frequently about how I can change their WRONG OPINION. I really put a LOT of energy into controlling negative narratives about me.

That’s nuts. Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. Not everyone is going to think that you do everything right, because YOU DON’T. Failing is human. It’s okay, it doesn’t make me a bad person and I promise you, the counselor is not putting all this energy into what happened–SHE MOVED ON. But here I am, wasting time worrying about how I need to change her opinion of me. It’s ridiculous and it feeds this covert need I have for everyone to think I’m perfect. It’s also pretty arrogant of me to think that people are so focused on ME.

One of my mentors once said “You don’t have to like me for me to love me.” I need to learn this lesson. Not only do I need to let myself fail and be vulnerable and open about it, but I also need to be authentic. This is my journey and every day is a new lesson leading to that end.